I've been out in the real world, going to Norfolk, Suffolk and Forest School.
I have also been in the not-real world of etsy quite a bit.
I bought these amazing writing exercise books from an etsy shop called Fancybutcher. I have got writing again today with this little story inspired by "Inventions 1" from fancybutcher:
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| Inventions Stimulus |
Mrs Deirdre Broadbottom was playing Johnny Cash in bed. That is, she was propped up on her pillows playing Johnny Cash songs on her bed-o-matic electronic keyboard. The Johnny Cash segued into Bob Dylan, and as 'Ring of Fire' turned into 'North Country Fair' and then 'Masters of War' she had an idea for an invention. Deirdre was pretty sure she could invent an invention to intervene when diplomacy had failed in conflict situations around the globe. Or anywhere where people were being unnecessarily grumpy or just being a bit of a nob really.
Deirdre knew all about being unnecessarily grumpy. She had become so herself and didn't like it. That was why she had decided to spend the peri-menopausal years in bed. She didn't like it when she got angry, so she stayed in bed and thought about nice things. Like Johnny Cash/Bob Dylan medleys, crochet and world peace.
She had always found funny-cat videos worked for her. In fact, her family had become very adept at finding a new funny-cat video on t'interweb when they saw those tell-tale red patches of colour appear on her cheeks.
"Look Mum, this cat's on a boat!"
"Look Mum, this cat's staring at a dog funny,"
they said in the tone of "Please don't throw anything..."
On that fateful day she played Bob Dylan, Deirdre invented the "Kittens of War" funny-cat cannon. Controlling operations from bed with her adapted keyboard, Deirdre could fire a funny-cat missile into any situation. The "Kittens of War" could puncture the pomposity of any president, prime minister or politician. It could work in democracies, despotisms, and dictatorships (paternal or downright evil).
Deirdre wanted to get on with inventing her invention now she had thought of it and create world peace quickly, so she could get back to her secret obsession of writing a folk-rock opera based on the ghost stories of M. R. James. It would be very nice, and no-one would be angry or grumpy, as it was set in Suffolk. She was stuck on one thing: there didn't seem to be many cats in any of the stories, and she was finding it difficult to shoe-horn some in.
Maybe she would deal with the world-peace thing and then get back to writing the lyrics to "A Warning to The Curious". She looked for the first conflict waiting to be resolved. She found one immediately: Ukraine. She aimed "Kittens of War" at militia training centres, without bothering to note which side they were militia for. Mild titters. She aimed the "Kittens of War" at referendum polling stations. Slight chuckling.
"Turn the kittens up to 11!" cried Deirdre
She did and aimed straight for the Russian President's office. An amusing cat landed at the President's feet.
"I have been such a nob," he thought, "I will send no more selfies of myself topless to Barack Obama. He's never sent one back, and I may as well face it, he never will. And I will never invade another former soviet state. Unless someone asks me to."
Fire! A tortoiseshell cat wearing a Fred Flintstone outfit!
"I will resolve to only invade really hard countries that can stand up to me."
Fire! A cat landed on his desk, put its leg up to wash its bum, then fell off the desktop!
In between guffaws of laughter the President said: "I will limit my shows of strength to twice a year, and only when really needed."
Fire! A cat which had tried to lick cream from the bottom of an empty pot, got its head stuck, and was walking backwards in an attempt to get out of it appeared!
He really laughed now. "Okay, Okay! No war at all! I will leave being a nob to the Americans."
Deidre decided that was enough for one day, and she'd had an idea how to get cats into "A Warning to the Curious". Maybe he could be attacked by a cat instead of a dog ...
Here are the Directions for use for the "Kittens of War" funny-cat cannon:
1. Twist and turn until you see someone being a nob, or just a bit grumpy
2. Let your cannon slide until you have them in the view-finder
3. Rock and pop a kitten into the muzzle
4. Fire it to bounce and pounce where needed
5. Everyone just fire it
6. Don't stop
7. Yeah yeah
8. Shout "Gotta fire it!"
9. Don't stop the hilarious funny-cat bombardment on the conflict situation
10. Until you observe the conflict being resolved as everyone laughs at the funny-cat escapades.
11. Achieve world peace
12. Write a folk-rock opera on a subject of your choice.
